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SHINee - gen, maybe pre-Onkey
717 words; PG
Onew tries too hard to be the perfect leader.



Jinki tries, he really does, but the tears won’t stop coming.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," he mutters, pressing his palms frantically against his eyes.

He wants to be a good leader so badly, but he still freezes up during interviews, still runs out of things to say, still trips over his own two feet, leaving the other members to cover up for him. He feels useless. How on Earth is he supposed to lead his four members when he can barely manage his own life as it is? He doesn’t know why SM decided to put a screw-up like him in charge.

Jinki sighs, turning his head to look at himself in the full-length mirror. He looks absolutely pathetic, crouched on the bathroom floor with red, swollen eyes.

"Hyung?" He hears a voice call faintly, and footsteps.

Damn. Well, it’s too late to hide his tears now. He hopes that it’s Minho, with his silent comfort, or Jonghyun, with his easy companionship, or Taemin, with his sweet smile and surprising maturity, anyone except—

The door opens, and Kibum’s head appears in the doorway.

—well, Kibum.

"Hyu—oh, not this again." Kibum steps into the bathroom and crosses his arms. "What is it now?"

Jinki looks away. It’s not that he and Kibum don’t get along, because they’re friends, they really are. But Jinki just never seemed to quite click with him, not the way he did at some point with Jonghyun and Taemin and Minho. And sometimes, Jinki can’t help but get the feeling that no matter how hard he tries, he never quite manages to impress the younger boy.

"N-nothing." His voice is still a little shaky. Jinki clears his throat and tries again. "It’s nothing. Sorry, let’s go." He stands up, and swipes the back of his hand against his eyes one last time.



"Your nose is all runny," Kibum says flatly. When Jinki doesn’t respond, he sighs, and goes into the nearest bathroom stall to pull out a long sheet of toilet paper. He wads it up and hands it to Jinki. "Here. Blow your nose. And wash your face." He watches as Jinki obeys, looking a little intimidated. He isn’t trying to be bossy, he really isn’t, but... Well, Kibum knows about how Jinki used to do this before, but he never had to deal with it himself. He doesn’t really know what to do.

"Sorry," Jinki mutters, patting his face dry with a paper towel. He turns to leave the bathroom.

"Wait. I mean, look," Kibum blurts out, reaching out to grab Jinki’s shoulder and spin him back around, "I don’t know why you get so upset about this. It’s okay to make little mistakes here and there."

"I know." Jinki is staring at the ground.

"No, you don’t. Hyung, no one expects you to be the perfect leader." Oh God, this is so awkward, because he and Jinki never talk like this, never talk about doubts and fears and serious things, but he needs to make Jinki understand. "I mean—okay. Well. So like, the thing is, even if you mess up sometimes—Jonghyun, Taemin, Minho, they still love you, and they’d be willing to follow you anywhere." Kibum fidgets and looks away. "And I would too," he finishes quietly.

All of a sudden, his cuticles are very fascinating, and Kibum stares at them intently. His nails are getting kind of long, and he should really cut them soon. He has a hangnail on his index finger. Oh God oh God, awkward. He can feel Jinki’s eyes studying his face.

A hand reaches out and clasps his own, and Kibum glances up. Jinki is smiling—not his usual sunny grin, but a slow, sweet smile that makes Kibum’s heart ache.

"Thank you. Kibum," he says.

"Yeah, yeah," Kibum replies, and adjusts his hand so that their fingers lace together. Jinki’s palm is warm against his own. "Let’s go back to practice, okay?"



(When Jinki and Kibum make their way back to the practice room, the other members are waiting for them. Taemin smiles, Jonghun stands and stretches, and Minho nods. And if they notice their leader’s red, puffy eyes, or the way Jinki’s and Kibum’s hands are still locked together—it’s difficult not to—then, well, they don’t say a word.)



*****



A/N: Inspired by two things:
- part of Onew's thank yous on their first album: "And also the rest of the members Jonghyun, Kibum, Minho, and Taemin. I love you all so much and thanks for following a leader like hyung who lacks a lot." (Cr. soompi)
- Apparently before debut, Onew used to cry a lot in the bathroom during practice because he thought he wasn't as good as the others, and that they were getting better and he wasn't improving at all. (Again, soompi.)

I don't know. Those things kind of broke my heart, and I had to fic it. In spite of my Onkey bias, I actually wasn't going to use Key as the one who finds Onew in the bathroom at first. I think it was originally going to be Jonghyun, but I decided to use the member who'd make for the most awkward interaction, and, well, that would be Key.